28 Days Left

I have 28 days left here in this beautiful country. As I contemplate living here, my time has been a blessing but I have had some frustrations. I have not written much because I have been reflecting on a lot of things. Last week, I hit a wall. I was so frustrated at the fact that I could do nothing independently. Although I would prefer to go places with people, I am not free to leave a party when I feel like it, I have to depend on someone else to take me home. I have also been frustrated with not knowing the language. I had wanted to get into language lessons but it never got off the ground for several reasons. I was frustrated that I didnt have anywhere to go or do outside of school really. I have wanted to go visiting to other peoples house (nationals) but I have not been given the opportunity. While I have gone out shopping or to an American's house for dinner, it is not the same to go to a nationals house and speak with them about their culture. I wanted to immerse myself into their lives and glean from them but that is not how it worked out. So I basically recluse myself and watched movies on my computer and read books everyday after school. If I wasn't doing those things I was working on student teaching, trying to distract myself from my frustrations. I believe people here could tell that I was not really myself. I didn't want to express my emotions because I didnt know how to express them myself. I tried to trick myself in believing that everything is okay. I had the opportunity to speak to a friend from back at school and she explained that it was culture shock. I didnt want to believe her because I didnt want to have it. It is not that its a bad thing, but to me it shows weakness that I cant handle it. But she tried to point out that it happens and its not a sign of weakness but a sign of adjusting to a life style that you arent familiar with. I told her that I wasnt ready to accept what she had to say to me. So to say the least I was numb the rest of the week to my frustrations.
I continued to seek the Lord for guidance and wisdom for teaching and for the future when I return to America. I continued to read the Holy Scriptures and I came to realize something today. I know that I cant teach on my own and that God has to give me the strength to teach effectively. However, I ignored the fact that I not only need dependence on God for teaching but also for my life and spiritual well being in the here and now. While I tricked myself in believing that I was dependent on him for those things, I was not. Most of you know that I like to do things on my own time, I like to do them the way I would like them done and I like to be independent. And a few days ago, I realized yet again that I can not live anywhere without dependence on him. Although God has tried to teach me this multiple times, this time was on a grander scale that I didn't think was possible. So to say the least, God yet again revealed himself to me and reminded me of Ephesians 5:15-33. In verse 15 Paul says to be careful on how you walk, to be wise and understand what the Lord's will is. Then in verse 21 to submit to one another out of reverence for Him. He then jumps into the whole wives submit to your husband. I believe that verses 22-33 are not about the women being a lesser sex but a picture of how He loves the church and how the church should Him. It is His delight to love us, give himself up for us and sanctify us for the day of his return. It is the church's response then to submit our lives unto Him who cares for us in every way. It is in this way that a marriage works between Him and the church. So should that not also occur among the husband and wife when they merry? Anyway, I found myself reevaluating how well I submit (depend) on Him. I need to depend on him out of respect and reverence because of what he has and is doing for me even though I do not deserve it, even if it is as simple and depending on Him to provide a way home for me. I should be grateful for the care that these workers here have taken care of me. I have been selfish. I ask for forgiveness for my selfish desire to be independent of the body of Christ which is ultimately being independent of God. I thank you father for the opportunity to live here and meet so many amazing people. Despite my stubbornness, you have provided many spiritual encounters where you have spoken through me and used me for your glory. It is unfathomable why you would use a human (corruptible)to carry out your perfect will and work. But I thank you for using me anyway. I feel honored and humbled. I welcome these frustrations in hopes of learning more about you and leaning closer to your breast to hear your heart beat! I pray that you continue to give me the strength and desire to depend on you and your people to complete the work you have for me here in these last couple of days. Do not punish my students for my stupidity. May I have even more opportunity to speak your name and the truth that you have given to us! Amen